Thursday, May 8, 2014

Grandma's Celebrity Gossip

Another report, written several years ago but refreshingly relevant, from our guest columnist

On a recent Thursday evening I was invited by my friend Sylvia D. to attend an intervention for her 
sister Bernice’s grandson.

His name is Brian (but we’ll call him Bruce), and he’s dead set on getting himself a tattoo. This particular Tattoo Intervention was held at Bernice’s home (a lovely house that’s a little too over-decorated for my taste, but I’m just saying) in the Encino Hills near where Clark Gable and Carole Lombard used to live.

Anyway, Sylvia and I arrived a little early, and who do we bump into but Bernice’s famous ex-sister-in-law and TV celebrity Barbara Eden. She used to play the Genie on “Gilligan’s Island” or some such show, and she’s 71, but looks much younger. She’s had a lot of work done, but you can’t tell, except for her eyes, which look like they were filled in with putty, but nobody else noticed that until I mentioned it after she left.

Barbara Eden was there to pick up a handbag that Bernice had purchased at an outlet store in Chino and she wasn’t staying for the intervention because, she said, “Bruce is an adult and should be allowed to make his own decisions.” Where she picked up such a cockamamie notion, I have no idea.

Soon Bruce came in with his girlfriend Amy, a tiny luftmensh wearing a nothing of a lingerie top and dungarees hung so low her tuchis popped out like two giant matzo balls gasping for air. A nice family she’s not from, and I wasn’t the only one who thought so.

The intervention began, and everyone sat in a circle and pleaded with Bruce to put a kibosh on the tattoo idea, such shame he would bring to the family, and his Aunt Frieda threatened to sit shivah until he changed his mind.

After three hours, we dried our eyes and Bernice marched Bruce into the den to watch “Schindler’s List.” 

We’re keeping our fingers crossed.

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