Monday, June 1, 2015

Grandma's Celebrity Gossip

Our popular guest columnist reports on the lives of aging entertainers.

Everybody’s getting old.

Frank Sinatra would have been 100 years old this year. For you pisherkehs too young to know from nothing, Frank Sinatra was the Frank Sinatra of his generation. Who can forget the bobby-soxers with the saddle shoes and pony-tails screaming their heads off like banshees? 

We should all live so long, even though he didn’t.

Sandra Bullock is 50, but she doesn’t look a day over 31. Her I always get mixed up with the one in the underwear running around the spaceship to get away from the squirming kishka that popped out of a dead man’s mogn like a jack-in-the-box, Sigourney Weaver. Oy, that one gave me the heebie-jeebies.

Johnny Depp is 51, and his life is a plate of hot shtuss. He’s famous for being in the “Jump 21 Up!” show with the son of the Italian shlimazl from  “Hollywood Squares,” Dom DeLuise. He was also engaged to Wynona Rider until she turned to a life of crime and brought tsuris to her family. Later he was the Disneyland pirate. 

Two kinder he has by a French actress nobody ever heard of. Her he left to marry an American trayfeneh named Amber Heard. Ten minutes later she left him for a woman who looks like Van Gogh and dresses like the Willy Wonka.

And finally, spotted in the Ralph’s parking lot was the MacGyver on TV, Richard Dean Anderson. He’s 65 now. With nothing but a cup of noodles and some popsicle sticks, he could build an atomic bomb or some other cockamamy contraption to save us all from the stinking Nazis. 

Richard Dean Anderson
More tzaddikim like him is what the world needs today.

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