Grandma's Celebrity Gossip

Grandma visits a live television show.

It was my friend Adele Luskin’s 89 birthday coming up, and she wanted to do something special. All her life, she wanted to go to a TV show taping. She did manage to get on the “Price is Right” with her friend Shirley Heilman from their bowling league, but that was 40 years ago, and Bob Barker never invited them to: “Come on down!”

Adele’s nephew Brandon, a nice Jewish boy despite that graubyon of a mother of his, offered to get the tickets.

Adele’s first choice was “Ellen,” but a year it would take to get tickets. That’s because Ellen DeGeneres, like Oprah, gives away everything from tchotchkes to cash money to vacation trips.

Second choice was Judge Judy. In Hollywood she tapes, but no tickets are available because all her courtroom audiences are now paid actors.

And then there’s Dr. Phil. He’s here in L.A., but Adele thinks he’s a dybbuk who’ll give her the evil eye and make her confess she stuffed Kleenex in her bra at her wedding.  Go figure.

Finally, Brandon talked us into “The Jimmy Kimmel Live Show.” Oy vey, what a greis. Brandon, Adele and I went to the show in an Uber car driven by a zokn who smelled like Old Spice and falafels. This is how the kids get around nowadays? Feh!

Way back in the nosebleed section of the theater they dumped us, behind a crowd of shrieking schmendricks who stood up every time the Kimmel kid cracked wise with his Mexican sidekick Guillermo, who looked like he’d been into the schnapps. This we need?

By the time the first guest came out, two hours it was past my bedtime. A lovely actress (Regina King), dressed to the nines, kvelled about a movie she’s in (“If Beale Street Could Talk”.)

Next came a zombie actor, who kvetched on and on about breaking his hand in a fight (Jon Bernthal of “The Walking Dead”.)

Me? Enough already. Take me home.


Vocabulary 

Graubyon:  Vulgar, ill-mannered person

Greis, Zokn:  Old man

Schmendrick: A nobody