Newspaper Trivia

The NYTimes is a fine newspaper, but its regular publication of self-absorbed freelance submissions never fails to amuse.  Headlines and subheads from two essays in the March 16 edition:


Let Me Count the Days
Nothing says mortality like the realization you won't live long enough to use up your office supplies

The Secret Life of Our Trash Can
After 15 years, our garbage can was busted.  Parting with it wasn't so easy

After reading the above, I realized that I could do this first-person navel-gazing thing myself.  In just a couple minutes, I came up with three sure-fire topics:

Unmated Socks in the Laundry Room 
A metaphor for my failure to finish graduate school

Was My First-Grade Boyfriend Mr. Right After All?

The Library Book Less Returned
Whether to go back and pay the fine


Heck, I have a computer.  My mind wanders endlessly.  I could knock out a meditative, wry, mildly ironic piece in a half hour, tops.  Most likely, the Times would buy it.

Only one thing stops me. I have a lot of relatives, and if they caught wind of it, word would spread.  I would be a figure of fun at family reunions for the next 20 years.