Saturday, April 4, 2015

Grandma's Celebrity Gossip

The latest report from our popular California-based columnist.

You heard it here first. Two years ago, the yentas at Giselle’s were predicting that Bruce Jenner was going to do the sex change. Now not only did he moide sein it, but a movie they’re making about it. Who wants to see such chozzerai

Stepdaughter Khloe Kardashian (not the one with the big tuchis) gave him her dresses from when she was a zaftig 170. Oy, such a generous family it is that shares their used shmattes. 

What I want to know: Once he’s a she, are the kids going to take him out to lunch on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day?

More women said they woke up naked next to that dirty old momzer Bill Cosby.  Them he slipped a Mickey. Giselle said for 30 years he was a part-time dog breeder and used dog tranquilizers on those girls. If he’s guilty, public execution would be too good for him. 

And the same goes for the draykopfs who call during my stories and want me to buy energy drinks, vinyl windows, or the portable shvitzbud.

A teivel zoll im choppen!

Speaking of dogs, Heshie, our first, the kids found wandering Flatbush Avenue. Too big he was for our apartment. Sid built him a shed on the roof, but either too hot or too cold it was up there, so inside he stayed and chewed up everything, including the clock radio. 

Our second dog was a toy poodle named Miney. From a litter of four she was. Who got Eeny, Meeny, or Moe? Who knows? An adorable little tok was our Miney, but such a shtuss she made when it came time to take her pills. We had to wrap her in a towel and sing “Born Free” to calm her nerves -- which reminds me of a story Sid used to tell:

A nayfish hands the druggist a prescription. The druggist gives him three bottles of pills.

“All these?” asked the nayfish. “What are they for?”

“The red ones calm your nerves; the white ones relieve your headaches; the blue ones are for your asthma.”

“Amazing. Such little pills, and each one knows exactly what to do.”

How I miss my Sid, corny jokes and all.

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