Monday, August 4, 2014

Grandma's Celebrity Gossip

The latest report from our guest columnist

Another Kennedy book is making the rounds: Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis: A Life Beyond Her Wildest Dreams. The author claims that Jackie had affairs with Marlon Brando, William Holden, Warren Beatty and Frank Sinatra.  Her so-called friends Truman Capote and Gore Vidal verified it, quote/unquote.  

Is it just me, or are all those people dead?  Except for Warren Beatty, who's shtupped so many women, it's like Adele Luskin at the all-you-can-eat Japanese buffet in Encino.  She shovels so much food into her mouth that by the time she stumbles back to the table, already she's forgotten what she just ate. 

 It's the same with Warren Beatty and women.  Who can remember?  He's old enough to be a great-zayde.

The book sounds like opfal.  Me?  I'll wait for the video.  Personally, I'd like to see George Clooney play JFK, and the hillbilly singer on "The Voice" (Blake Shelton) as William Holden.

And what's with Priscilla Presley?  For 20 minutes she was famous for marrying Elvis and losing "Dancing with the Stars."  Now her head looks like a giant matzo ball with lips painted on it.  They say her nogoodnik doctor used motor oil instead of Botox.  Doctor schmoctor.  What she needs is a good adwokat.

After Barbara Walters left, everybody got fired from "The View" except Whoopi Goldberg.  Gone are the nattering nafka Jenny McCarthy and the zhlubby naar Sherri Shepherd, who knows from nothing.  Now Rosie O'Donnell is returning.  She's the angry shtunk who puts the kayn aynhoreh on whoever she doesn't like -- which is half of Hollywood.  They're also looking for a "Latina" to co-host.  I think J.Lo with the big hips would be a good choice, and Dolores del Rio, if she's still alive.  And wasn't Betty White married to a handsome Mexican after Alan Ludden?  She could pass for half-Mexican.

Long story short, my son-in-law, Doctor "Handsome," said that Whoopi Goldberg got the name Whoopi (as in cushion), because she's very gassy.  So who's surprised nobody wants to sit downwind on that set?

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